Woke this morning at 6am. Didnt want to get out of bed cause it was after midnight before I shut the light off and didnt sleep well.
Woke the kids. Twins got up and got dressed. JT finally rolled out of bed @620am. When he came out, I asked him what his bg was. *mumble* 'What?' '190!!!!' 'You didnt have to yell just because I didnt hear you the first time. Makes himself toast. I ask him how is it possible that his cousin says she talks to him everyday considering he's grounded off the phone and computer and his cell is 'SUPPOSED' to be out of minutes. Apparently his older brother owed him money and he bought himself a phone card all the while leaving me to believe his cell was off. Whatever. Small battles. He's still grounded and the way he calls and texts, those minutes wont last and Im not renewing them. Reminded him to cover his toast now not later and off they go to the bus stop.
Started watching 'Wolfman' w/ hubby ( thought it sucked myself) while texting a friend. Good thing I did cause she didnt realize there was early dismissal today lol. Invited me over for coffee so I headed over there for awhile. She also made me breakfast which was really nice, :) Talked for a couple hours then headed to town to pick up a few things with my last couple bucks. Thank God its almost payday!! Making myself a cup of chamomile tea trying to head off this migraine I can feel starting while I enjoy the last half hour of peace and quiet.
Not even home from school and it starts already - texted me asking if he can go to the mall. Ummmmmm NO. Grounded and house arrest. Home and school. Thats it. Nothing else.'Well Im ungrounded tomorrow right?' HELL NO The bitch fest begins.....more later.
Texting back and forth. Apparently its bullshit that he's grounded cause he didnt do anything. I told him that whats bullshit is the way he talks to me. Whats bullshit is the way he treats me. Whats bullshit is the fact that he snuck out, was missing for hours so that I had to have the cops find him and that he put me thru hell and doesnt even care. He says hes not even gonna be nice anymore ( he was nice? when? I must have missed that) and I wont let him fucking go out. That I say all this shit and its not even true and that I treat him like shit. ?????????? I give up. I really do. Nothing I say or do works. I try talking to him, I try yelling, I try staying really calm. I wont give in and I wont let him get away with everything so i treat him like shit. I cant believe he said that. Im also a liar and cant wait to get rid of him. Where the fuck did I fail???
No more later cause Im done. I just dont give a shit anymore.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
My life is a nightmare and I cant wake up
The last 2 weeks have been hell. Literally. My son got 4 years probation, 50 hours community service, $250 in fines and court costs, has to go to 2 different classes and as of last night, is now in court ordered therapy. Yea. You'd think he'd lose his attitude after all this. Nope. His bg and ketones were all over the place. I figured stress. Kept him home the next day. He calls me at work @11am to tell me that his bg is 435 and his ketones are 5.1. Normal is under 0.6.; 1.5 or above call the dr.; 3.0 or above, run to the ER asap. So run I did. What are ketones you ask. Ketones are chemical substances that the body makes when it doesn’t have enough insulin in the blood. When ketones build up in the body for a long time, serious illness or coma can result. So having ketones that high is major. ER gives him liters of fluid, insulin and potassium. They checked his bloodwork and one of the tests (cant remember what it was) was at 18. If it was under we would have been heading to Danville. Got his bg and ketones down. Checked him every 3 hrs around the clock and by 11pm the ketones were gone. Great but continued to check every 3 hrs. At 6 am Wednesday they were back up to 1.8 so back to the ER we go for another round. Tested him for mono and strep also. All they could figure is, it was viral due to his throat being really red and sore but everything was negative.
Ok so Thursday he went back to school but still with a nasty attitude. He was so rude and disrespectful to me in the court waiting room in front of his grandparents, the lawyer and the other kids mother; then later in front of the probation officer, that he was grounded for the weekend. Well, apparently he didnt feel like being grounded. Monday morning (Columbus Day), I went to warm up the truck before I left for work and went in JT's room to let him know I was leaving. He wasnt there. It seems that sometime between 230am (I had woken up and heard him on the phone and computer) and 545am, he snuck out to see his girlfriend. Or so he said on the text he left me along with the fact that the car he was in had broken down and he'd be home but didnt know when. Did I mention that he's 14 freaking years old???? I had to call work and explain to them yet again why I wasnt going to be in. (Im terrified that one of these days, they will decide that Im 'unemployable' and let me go. And who would blame them.) I was hysterical, terrified and raging mad. I went in his room again and looked for his meters. All 3 of them were there along w/ his insulin pens. His last test was at 1130pm and was HI. So not only was he gone, but didnt have any of his supplies. Called my husband in hysterics to let him know what was going on and to tell him that the twins and I would be there shortly to pick him up ( My thermostat was replaced and the sealant needed 24 hrs to dry) I kept texting JT, screaming at him to get the hell home and I didnt care how. All he would reply was that he was trying and that he was about 11 miles from home. (Later when I went to get him I clocked it at more like almost 20. One way) Then he told me to stop texting from work or Id get in trouble. WHAT????? He actually thought that Id go to work just like normal when my 14 y.o. diabetic kid was missing! At some point I noticed that he wasnt texting from his phone anymore. I asked whose it was, then stupidly assumed he was at that kids house. Wrong. No matter what I said, I couldnt get thru to him how wrong what he did was. He didnt see anything wrong w/ sneaking out in the middle of the night. (the next afternoon, when he went to see his P.O., his response was that he was bored. Oh yea, and now he's on house arrest for a week. As of now anyway)
Around 830am, he stopped answering me. All kinds of things were going thru my head. I started calling hospitals, his PO's voice mail (there is no longer an after hours emergency number!), and finally the State Police. I explained everything including the fact that not only was he in probation violation, but he was diabetic and possibly in DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis - which if left untreated can and will lead to coma and/or death). I told them who I thought he was with and after a few calls back and forth, @11am, they found him. The State Police held him on site til I got there. I asked him 2 questions on the way home. How and why. Then I didnt say another word until we pulled in the driveway. I then told him that he was to have no computer access, no phone access (except from family) and that he was grounded for the forseeable future. I also told him that it wasnt my husband he had to worry about, that he was lucky I didnt put him thru a fucking wall. Told him to check his bg and then that if he was smart, he'd stay out of my site for awhile. Yea, I know. Harsh. But he either had no idea what he put me through or just didnt care. Im betting on the latter. I was having chest pains and on the verge of a full blown anxiety attack. I think the only thing that stopped me from having one was how very, very angry I was.
3 hours later I went and told him to check his sugar again and then told him how many units of insulin he needed. I stood in his doorway waiting for him to give himself the insulin because he looked half asleep and I wanted to make sure he did it. He tells me to shut the door and I said no, I want to make sure you take your insulin. Never got to finish my sentence because he went off on a tangent about how I thought he wouldnt take his insulin on purpose cause hes such a fucking liar. I didnt say a word. Then he says 'Im done talking to you' HUH???? Yea ok whatever. I just walked away. I dont have any fight left in me. I really dont.
This is how he is with me 24/7. He ignores me when I tell him to do something or to stop teasing, picking on, being mean to or hitting his little brother or sister. He smacked one of them last night and when I called him on it, actually denied it to my face like I was seeing things. I even said that to him and he said yea you're seeing things. He complains about everything - things the twins do or dont do, what there is or isnt to eat. He'll complain that the floor needs to be swept or this or that needs to be done, yet wont ask if Id like help doing it. If we use paper plates, he complains that we are wasting money that could be used towards something he wants. If we use regular dishes, he complains about having to wash them although actually getting him to do that is a battle in its self. He tells me he wants this, this and this and gets pissed if I say we cant afford it right now (like a $30 sweatshirt). And apparently he expects me to pay his fines and knows I will because what choice do I have since he's a minor. Its never ending. With his aunt, uncle, grandparents or PO, he's sorry and cries ect. With me, nothing. No apology for his behavior. Nothing. Just anger, anger, anger. Last night I stopped in his doorway on my way to bed and said his name - intending to remind him to take his lantus and say goodnight. His response? "WHAT ??" All I said was 'dont talk to me like that' as calmly as I could. And off he goes again about how all I do is yell (???) and he's tired of this shit and on and on. So I just said - again calmly- 'Goodnight J**' and walked away. No matter what he kept saying, I kept repeating that until he slammed his door.
I dont know what to do with him anymore and I cant figure out what I did wrong. Today is my day off. Ive been pretty relaxed all day. In @ an hour and a half, the kids will be home. I can gaurentee that if you checked my B/P and pulse, there will be huge raises between now and then. I have chest pains and headaches all the time. I cant sleep. Im extremely irritable at home and at work and Im getting to the point that I just dont care anymore. About anything. Home, work, my lack of friends or a social life. I have co-workers that Im friendly with but dont really socialize outside of work. Ive gained 10 lbs cause all I want to do is eat. I looked at the speedometer the other day on the way home from work and I was doing 85. And I didnt care. Scary.
Ok enough venting. If you made it this far, thanks. And remember. Im blogging this to get it off my chest and I dont dare keep a journal in the house. Im not asking anyone to fix my life. Just listen.
Ok so Thursday he went back to school but still with a nasty attitude. He was so rude and disrespectful to me in the court waiting room in front of his grandparents, the lawyer and the other kids mother; then later in front of the probation officer, that he was grounded for the weekend. Well, apparently he didnt feel like being grounded. Monday morning (Columbus Day), I went to warm up the truck before I left for work and went in JT's room to let him know I was leaving. He wasnt there. It seems that sometime between 230am (I had woken up and heard him on the phone and computer) and 545am, he snuck out to see his girlfriend. Or so he said on the text he left me along with the fact that the car he was in had broken down and he'd be home but didnt know when. Did I mention that he's 14 freaking years old???? I had to call work and explain to them yet again why I wasnt going to be in. (Im terrified that one of these days, they will decide that Im 'unemployable' and let me go. And who would blame them.) I was hysterical, terrified and raging mad. I went in his room again and looked for his meters. All 3 of them were there along w/ his insulin pens. His last test was at 1130pm and was HI. So not only was he gone, but didnt have any of his supplies. Called my husband in hysterics to let him know what was going on and to tell him that the twins and I would be there shortly to pick him up ( My thermostat was replaced and the sealant needed 24 hrs to dry) I kept texting JT, screaming at him to get the hell home and I didnt care how. All he would reply was that he was trying and that he was about 11 miles from home. (Later when I went to get him I clocked it at more like almost 20. One way) Then he told me to stop texting from work or Id get in trouble. WHAT????? He actually thought that Id go to work just like normal when my 14 y.o. diabetic kid was missing! At some point I noticed that he wasnt texting from his phone anymore. I asked whose it was, then stupidly assumed he was at that kids house. Wrong. No matter what I said, I couldnt get thru to him how wrong what he did was. He didnt see anything wrong w/ sneaking out in the middle of the night. (the next afternoon, when he went to see his P.O., his response was that he was bored. Oh yea, and now he's on house arrest for a week. As of now anyway)
Around 830am, he stopped answering me. All kinds of things were going thru my head. I started calling hospitals, his PO's voice mail (there is no longer an after hours emergency number!), and finally the State Police. I explained everything including the fact that not only was he in probation violation, but he was diabetic and possibly in DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis - which if left untreated can and will lead to coma and/or death). I told them who I thought he was with and after a few calls back and forth, @11am, they found him. The State Police held him on site til I got there. I asked him 2 questions on the way home. How and why. Then I didnt say another word until we pulled in the driveway. I then told him that he was to have no computer access, no phone access (except from family) and that he was grounded for the forseeable future. I also told him that it wasnt my husband he had to worry about, that he was lucky I didnt put him thru a fucking wall. Told him to check his bg and then that if he was smart, he'd stay out of my site for awhile. Yea, I know. Harsh. But he either had no idea what he put me through or just didnt care. Im betting on the latter. I was having chest pains and on the verge of a full blown anxiety attack. I think the only thing that stopped me from having one was how very, very angry I was.
3 hours later I went and told him to check his sugar again and then told him how many units of insulin he needed. I stood in his doorway waiting for him to give himself the insulin because he looked half asleep and I wanted to make sure he did it. He tells me to shut the door and I said no, I want to make sure you take your insulin. Never got to finish my sentence because he went off on a tangent about how I thought he wouldnt take his insulin on purpose cause hes such a fucking liar. I didnt say a word. Then he says 'Im done talking to you' HUH???? Yea ok whatever. I just walked away. I dont have any fight left in me. I really dont.
This is how he is with me 24/7. He ignores me when I tell him to do something or to stop teasing, picking on, being mean to or hitting his little brother or sister. He smacked one of them last night and when I called him on it, actually denied it to my face like I was seeing things. I even said that to him and he said yea you're seeing things. He complains about everything - things the twins do or dont do, what there is or isnt to eat. He'll complain that the floor needs to be swept or this or that needs to be done, yet wont ask if Id like help doing it. If we use paper plates, he complains that we are wasting money that could be used towards something he wants. If we use regular dishes, he complains about having to wash them although actually getting him to do that is a battle in its self. He tells me he wants this, this and this and gets pissed if I say we cant afford it right now (like a $30 sweatshirt). And apparently he expects me to pay his fines and knows I will because what choice do I have since he's a minor. Its never ending. With his aunt, uncle, grandparents or PO, he's sorry and cries ect. With me, nothing. No apology for his behavior. Nothing. Just anger, anger, anger. Last night I stopped in his doorway on my way to bed and said his name - intending to remind him to take his lantus and say goodnight. His response? "WHAT ??" All I said was 'dont talk to me like that' as calmly as I could. And off he goes again about how all I do is yell (???) and he's tired of this shit and on and on. So I just said - again calmly- 'Goodnight J**' and walked away. No matter what he kept saying, I kept repeating that until he slammed his door.
I dont know what to do with him anymore and I cant figure out what I did wrong. Today is my day off. Ive been pretty relaxed all day. In @ an hour and a half, the kids will be home. I can gaurentee that if you checked my B/P and pulse, there will be huge raises between now and then. I have chest pains and headaches all the time. I cant sleep. Im extremely irritable at home and at work and Im getting to the point that I just dont care anymore. About anything. Home, work, my lack of friends or a social life. I have co-workers that Im friendly with but dont really socialize outside of work. Ive gained 10 lbs cause all I want to do is eat. I looked at the speedometer the other day on the way home from work and I was doing 85. And I didnt care. Scary.
Ok enough venting. If you made it this far, thanks. And remember. Im blogging this to get it off my chest and I dont dare keep a journal in the house. Im not asking anyone to fix my life. Just listen.
Monday, October 4, 2010
A bit stressed today
Well, today my 14 year old goes to court and in front of a juvenile judge. He and a friend did something stupid for a girl over the summer and ended up getting arrested for it. Short version is, this girl asked them to get something from her house for her. Noone was home so she told them to climb in the window. Being stupid teenage boys who will do almost anything for a pretty girl, did just that. Five minutes later the cops show up. All indications are that she set them up but we dont have enough evidence to prove it. So we have to go in front of the judge and pray it all works out. I dont have butterflies in my stomach. I have prehistoric terodactyl size bats in there.
Had friends over for dinner last night which was a nice distraction. Hubby bbq'd steaks and the kids got to play with thier friends for awhile. Would definately like to do it again when we have more time to hang out. 'E' showed me her gown for her vow renewal in June. It was just gorgeous!! And her daughter is going to look so cute as the flower girl! Cant wait to see the pictures!!
Its raining like a bitch which makes my pain shoot up about 3 points so that Im around an 8. Didnt sleep all that great since both hubby and the boxer were crowding me out. Woke up w/ back spasms as usual around 745am. Was nice to sleep in since hubby was off last night and got the twins up for school this morning.
Back to work tomorrow for 2 days then off 1 and on 4. We've been at 7 (cna's) all last week so Im hoping it stays that way.
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