'What was I thinking???'

                            I must have been nuts when I decided to be a wife and mother. A working mother at that! Let me clarify. I have 4 children - 3 boys and 1 girl. My oldest (JJ) is 21 today actually. (And yes, that makes me feel old. It just doesnt seem possible. ) My middle son ( JT) is 14 and taller than I am. And Im not short by any means; Im 5'8. My twins ( boy/girl) are 8. The  boy (DM) is the youngest of the 4 and he is mommy's baby. He is the last of my children and Im not ashamed to say I baby him. Im sure I'll stop eventually but for now, people just have to deal LOL. The other twin is my only daughter (EF). We have said from birth that she's the princess and I think thats backfiring on us now. She has definate diva issues - the whole rolling eyes, hand on the hip, swinging of the head, snotty mouth and attitude diva. And it really needs to stop. I cant stand bratty kids. I dont mean the ones who throw a fit because they're tired or dont feel well. Hell, anyone who knows me will tell you that I get pissy and bitchy when I hurt or dont feel well. But the reasons behind that are another post. No, I  mean the kids who throw a fit when they dont get their way or want something and dont get it. I can see 'EF' turning out this way easily but Im not sure how to stop it. We've tried time-outs and swats on the butt, taking toys or priveleges away. Doesnt work. My husband and step father both say a good spanking will set her straight. Yea I dont like to spank my kids and in the 21 years Ive been  a mom, I think Ive out and out spanked my kids about a half a dozen times. 

                           This is all thanks to my father who  was physically abusive to the 3 of us kids and our mother. I refuse to continue that cycle. So my daughter is turning into a brat and I need to find a way to stop it.

                          My husband and I have been together 10 years and married 6. It was the 3rd marriage for both of us. Most of the time we get along pretty well.  Around 18 months ago (January 2009), he was laid off and it was 10 months before he found another job. And its only part time to boot.  Plus its 3rd shift. I hate 3rd shift. He's always tired, just getting up so he can go to work or laying down cause he has to work that night. He's cranky and irritable and we argue more that we ever did. Plus he gets paid shit.  Me,  I have trained and worked as a CNA before when he'd gotten laid off in 2008 so I went back to work February 2009. This past May, I was hired full time although Id been getting fultime hours anyway for quite awhile. My job is physically demanding, stressful, chaotic and at times emotionally overwhelming. It makes you feel really unappreciated at times too.  But its hard not to get attached to people that you take care of so personally each and every day. Its also hard on the body and its rare that I finish a shift w/o being in pain. But let me say that without a doubt, 90% of the time, I do like my job. I like taking care of people. Im hoping , at some point, to be able to find a way to go to nursing school. Right now its not an option unless we win the lottery. We are trying to get a home improvement loan so that we can build a room on that we will split into 2 bedrooms for the twins. Right now they share and they need their own rooms. But I cant help pay on a loan if Im in school 4 or 5 days a week. Theres no way Id be able to work too. And hubby would either need a raise or more dependable hours. And more hours too. Like full time. 

                           I have fibromyalgia and sometimes that makes things hard. There are days that I wake up exhausted, that I hurt simply because the moon is in the 7th house or for no reason at all. And my husband doesnt understand this. He says he does but he really doesnt. Not too many people do. And Ive given up trying to explain it to him or anyone else. Eventually I always get the same comments -- 'you ALWAYS have a headache', 'your ALWAYS tired' or 'what else is new' if I say I have a headache, am tired or I hurt. That and 'so do I',  'yea, so?' or just complete ignoring of what I say or feel. it makes me feel very alone alot. 

                        Ok well, the kids are in the room so I cant say more right now cause I have no privacy. NONE, nada, zip!!

                       Like I said in my blurb, this is just a place to bitch, moan and get things out w/o pissing off anyone or hurting anyone's feelings. Dont like it, dont read it. This is more for me than you. And Im sure that I'll have more to say.